I just can't help myself

My doctor, with whom I am moderately in love, (he's a sort of mysterious Iranian type - I keep expecting him to whisk me away over sand dunes on a magic carpet and then feed me Turkish Delight whilst presenting me with beautiful treasures which have been facilitated merely by the rubbing of a lamp) is sending me to a Guided Self-Help Counsellor. This is to expunge any negative thoughts about braintumourgate and help me to grow as a person and move on. I am rather hoping that I will morph into a new and scintillating comedy guru or the like once all trauma is released from my life. I don't actually like Turkish Delight. Perhaps cuddling up on a cozy rug in front of a crackling fire whilst wearing chunky cable knit sweaters and drinking Horlicks would suffice.

One doesn't know what to expect, does one? I did think the Mysterious Iranian Doctor (he may not be Iranian, incidentally, this is pure fantasy) handled the whole business in a somewhat offhand manner. After my appointment I had the pleasure of sitting in reception trying to fill in a questionnaire about my state of mind with nothing but posters about incontinence and mouth cancer as inspiration. Rating on a scale of 1-4 whether one has suicidal thoughts or if one feels like a failure (neither of which I do) whilst sandwiched in between a whiffy pensioner who is hacking up every Woodbine he has smoked since 1976 and a lactating expectant mother is rather a tall order. It's not the sort of thing one dashes off whilst leaning on a copy of Good Housekeeping from November 1997, is it? One of the questions asked me how often I found myself speaking too slowly or too quickly. Well, it rather depends upon what one is using as a yardstick, doesn't it? I had half a mind to peer, wild-eyed, at the lactating expectant mother and say 'Do I speak too slowly?' but thought perhaps she had enough of her plate as it was. I think I put 'not often' but am now concerned that this not emphatic enough. What if I have now slotted myself firmly into the manic depression category? Or Asperger's Syndrome? Or Attention Deficit Disorder? Or Tourette's? Or Legionnaire's Disease? Oh god.