A-carb-adabra!

Not one slice of bread has passed my lips in two weeks. I have given up carbs. This is partially in order to develop the body of hopes and dreams, and partially to cure the hideous bowel disease of hell and death which has plagued me recently. I am glad to say that the disease of hell and death has all but gone, but sadly the body of hopes and dreams is yet to appear.

I now work for a company called Attack! Actually there's no exclamation mark per se but I think it adds a little spice. Anyway, Attack! is a Norwegian marketing company and we have a collection of holiday properties of which we organise the letting out. The company is rather taking off (I like to think that this is my influence) so unfortunately we have neither the data management nor telecommunications systems needed in order to support such an influx of enquiries. Whenever my colleague is away from her desk I have to answer her telephone within three rings. This happens quite often. She sits in another room. This means I have to fling myself across the office and answer the telephone whilst in mid-flight. It's almost balletic. My Norwegian skills on the telephone are not quite tip top, meaning that half of the time I can't deal with the query being presented anyway.

Not everyone knows that Norwegians, Swedes and Danes can more or less understand one another in speech when speaking their respective languages. Not only this, but Norwegians are better at understanding Danes and Swedes than Danes and Swedes are at understanding Norwegians. This means that Danes and Swedes know that they can be understood but that they don't know what is being said in reply. This in turn means that they generally just launch into conversation assuming that the person on the other end will get the gist of what is being said. It also means that they don't know that I am not Norwegian, they just think I am from the mountains and have an odd accent. Well, when there is a British person on the end of the phone I can categorically advise that they do not get the gist of what is being said. Usually, such conversations ensue.

Robert: "Good morning, welcome to holidayhomes.no, this is Robert speaking"

Danish Customer: "Akjd aius sifn holiday property dkfjw#$ Crete dasfij#$# towels!"

Robert: (with sense of rising panic) "Sorry, I'm afraid my Danish is a little hit and miss, could you possible speak more slowly? Thanks awfully"

Danish Customer: "Asigu adi#$( towels SDifu wife injured sfijs chafing soifss unhelpful Cypriot holiday reps akfuwe9erf "#$#Js gsjjs!"

Robert: (while gesturing in order to attract attention of colleagues) "Gosh, I'm sorry to hear that. Could I possibly take your number and get my colleague to call you back?"

Danish Customer: "#($ snf now! AKFjdi hideous scarring #)$fFj little hideaway in the Cotswolds FFJEr348 deathtrap dFK948#$(#$ on your head be it!!!

Robert: (flails widely at colleagues, mouthing Help me! For the love of god help me!) "Yes, I've taken that down, the person responsible for towel-related injuries will be in touch with you shortly."

Danish Customer: "#$$djskj absolutely unacceptable! D434FFIdf 98 Cheryl Cole fdjfd#($ hostage situation *æøfddfer#$ how dare you say that about my mother! #$(44 bloody yokels why don't you piss off back up the mountains where you belong???

Robert: "Thanks for calling, then! Bye!"

Nine times out of ten it turns out it was someone wondering when they can expect their deposit back. Sometimes I wonder if I'm offering the best level of customer service.

All of this on no carbs.