Isn't England shit? Well, Britain. Well, the United Kingdom if we're going to split hairs, although I have never been to Northern Ireland and it may not be shit, but I imagine that it is.
You see, I am relatively bright. Not massively bright, but relatively. Alright, I think I'm massively bright but my need to outwardly suggest some degree of modesty made me qualify the brightness statement.
Anyway, I am bright. I am relatively hard-working (that really is relative) and and have been relatively hard-working since I started a paper round when I was thirteen. I have never stopped working since then, in fact. I worked in Littlewoods cafe in Chester (albeit for one day). I worked in Marks and Spencer, where I was attacked with a spade by a violent drunkard whilst manning a Portacabin full of chilled perishables (I shit you not). I worked in Racing Green, an awful clothes shop which never had any customers. I endured levels of boredom which you will never understand. I worked in Pizza Hut, for four years. I worked in a call centre. I worked in a hideous gay bar in York. I worked in Marks and Spencer again, in Wood Green. I worked in the glamorous world of TV. I work in a relatively snazzy law firm, even if my office is still like a doctor's surgery even though we've been here for four months. It even smells like a doctor's surgery.
I have qualifications. A masters degree, no less. I vaguely speak a number of languages. I have life skills - hell, I can even touch type.
And yet, I am still poor. Well, alright, not poor, but not comfortable, either. No prospect whatsoever, for example of buying my own home. Not even a studio. Isn't that shit?
I am the first to admit that I have sometimes made the wrong decisions. Choice of degree, for example. Doing a pointless master's degree, for another example. Yet, I might add, I gave up on all my dreams of being a world class flautist and/or opera singer because of the shitty careers advice at my shitty school (bit of fruitless ancient bitterness creeping in there).
So, what I'm saying, is. I'm 30, I'm relatively bright, I'm relatively hard-working, I still have student debts, I'm still not financially comfortable, I live in a flat that isn't big enough for my stuff and I spend my whole life waiting for the bus with Morrisons shopping bags because I can't afford to go to Waitrose, like some latter-day Shirley Valentine. Even she had nice house, albeit a bit surburban for my tastes.
The point of this uninformed rambling, to coin a phrase, is that this country is shit.
NB - I promised myself I would never use any expletives in this blog, but decided to allow 'shit' to creep into this one.
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At least you have a truly beautiful flat though. Not exactly a hovel in Hackney.
ReplyDeleteAlso I don't like you saying this country is shit, because even though it is a bit sometimes, I feel that there is a subtext of "...and Norway is better", which reminds me that you are leaving us, which makes me cross and sad. Sad and cross. Cross. Sad.
Having said that, this is a very funny post.
Is the UK shit, though? Is it really?
ReplyDeleteBecause whilst I know that Scandinavian countries often compare favourably to us – especially in terms of property and so on – they also compare favourably to everyone else.
I'm not convinced that you'd better off anywhere else, those countries aside. And there are some AMAZING features of the UK. For example, the NHS – not pretty or fancy or slick, but the treatment you received was absolutely world class and completely free. That's pretty great, non?
Furthermore, why did the man attack you with a spade? I wish to know...
He just threatened me with a spade, it was an attack, as such. I thought 'attacked by a violent drunkard' sounded better though.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure if I was citing Norway as being better. The weather certainly isn't. Nor is it a diverse society, nor does it have the amenities or choice of consumer goods that we have. The healthcare is better, though. Well, I am told that it is. I'm just thinking of my own personal circumstances, really, and thinking that in other societies it might've been better, although I suppose I'm thinking about missed opportunities, but perhaps I wouldn't have had those opportunities in the first place elsewhere. Who can say? Perhaps the world is shit? Oh god.